I take Jack to his developmental pediatrician every six months. I try to be organized for the meeting, with work samples, copies of IEPs and any evaluations that have been done, etc. I tell him what Jack is doing, what milestones he has reached, what the schools are doing with him, what new difficulties he's having.
But I always leave the appointments feeling like I barely scratched the surface, like I needed to ask more questions (even though I know most of my questions have the same answer: "We don't know"). There's always an uncertainty that leaves me feeling uneasy, as if I should have said more or asked more. But how much could or should you cram into an hour-long meeting?
Basically, I feel like, right now, at this time, everything that can be done for Jack is being done by me, George, Nick, the schools, and the therapists. He's making progress, and it's all good. But I keep looking for the blind spot, whatever it is that I might be missing that I'm not even aware of. The doctor is there to catch my blind spot because he knows more about autism than I ever will, and if he makes no recommendations, is it because there is no blind spot or because I didn't give him enough information to see that blind spot himself? I am, after all, the expert on Jack. I spend more time with him and know him better than Dr. Z ever will.
This last meeting, Jack started feeling confined and needed to step out into the hall. He walked out, blew me a kiss, said, "I love you, Mommy!" and left the door ajar while he "went alien" with his Ben 10 watch in the hall--play that is really more stimming of repeating movie lines and gestures than imaginative play, but whatever. At least it's not just Blue's Clues anymore. Dr. Z commented, "He's a very happy person, isn't he?"
Yes. Yes, he is.
Is my best--and the doctor's--enough? It has to be, I suppose, but I still wonder. Grappling with the unknown is hard work. I wonder if faith and our best effort are enough.
Two things I do know are that Jack is a happy person and that he's making progress. I'm glad Dr. Z sees that for himself in our hour-long visits. Because maybe, just maybe, that is the most important concrete measure of what we're doing. If we were pushing too hard, he wouldn't be happy. If we were not pushing hard enough, he wouldn't be making progress.
How do you cope with this uncertainty? Can uncertainty even be coped with? Some days I say yes, I'm coping quite well, thank you very much. Other days, I'm wandering alone in the forest wondering where the hell I am. I'm starting to think this is normal. What do you think?